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June – Facing the fears

Oh! I do have health anxiety and in the month of June it became more pronounced. I could see myself seeking reassurance and feeling terrible with the uncertainty. I found myself in this place is just because I felt betrayed by my body somehow. I kept thinking of how it can behave this way when I am so used to having a good fitness regimen and a diet and over all routine. Yes! Stress is there. But this phase taught me to accept the changes and believe in healing.

A furuncle introduced myself to a shadow side. Until then it was like I was pushing it away. I was not bringing in balance in my work and life. I didn’t gave myself a break and just kept on hustling and worrying and this was the moment which falled on me like a heavy pile.

Now I am here. Healed! My body was in a purging mode and now I am healed. And I found cheer in the process. I got connected to myself so much and my health and life as a whole that I binged watched videos on health anxiety and found good meditations and affirmation which would be a part of my life forever.

While one day I was cleaning away the furuncle. Blood came out and as it was on neck I was at my low. I didn’t had any confidence. I was so anxious. I was like! Let the blood stop. I slept right on the opposite side and the furuncle wound facing the ceiling. (I live with my parents) I catched my mother’s hand and she saw me in my whole worry mode. I just wanted someone to catch me and say everything is gonna be alright. The blood isn’t overflowing. You are okay!

I had a rash as well. So got blood/urine/stool work and all done. Got facts! It mentioned I had stomach infection. It also mentioned that my creatinine was high by 0.03 point. So there’s that!

During this time the man I was dating got upset that I wasn’t available for meeting and all. I told him so. What pissed me off very much was that even after sending him my prescription and all and telling him that I need some time to heal he was like give me exact date and I was fuming. What I expected was that one would first rightfully tell me to take rest and all. And here this man wanted to meet and have sex with me. Later, as I kept pinpointing he agreed that okay and all we could meet later. He later didn’t even cared about me and asked me how am I doing and all. Never for once! Not even how are you feeling or doing!? And once I messaged him by myself just to get some perspective he mentioned to never expect any message from him just because he is going through a rough mental patch and all. I was like fine! Oh boy! Do I like this behavior? No! Will I continue seeing him? Absolutely not. Anyways, I totally respect his stance as we really don’t know what other person might be going through so can’t judge that much. But, if the other person isn’t ready to speak I don’t have any interest in becoming a victim of the scenario directly or indirectly. Hence, that situation with him is burned and blowed!

While you are recovering it shines light on so many fickle relationship or situations in your life. Dear God!

I hope whoever will be my next will nurture me with his presence and words.

To anyone reading this you deserve a person who cares for you through thick and thin and bothers you and check up on you especially while some situation is making you shiver and anxious.

So, I have learned so much and the lessons I got were pretty important.

Now I have lots of work to do. Work that involves trusting my body, trusting my own journey, trusting that taking a break when needed is okay, trusting the now and future, trusting the uncertainty, trusting that everything is never gonna be perfect and it is okay, trusting the “me” when caught in chaos, trusting that radical self acceptance is important, trusting everything!

Here I am now. Feeling replenished and renewed. They say after a travel or a short trip you return back home with new perspective. This also applies to some detours or uncertainty you face. Whenever you are done with that journey of facing your fears you get to meet a new you. A new badass person who along the way have said fuck off to lots of people because they were being jerks.

So many things. So many!

Uff! Very philosophical here!? Sending you lots of bum cheers.

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